Navigating Infertility

Experiencing infertility can be deeply challenging, often leading to a sense of profound loss. Infertility can be a longer and more unpredictable journey than many people expect, and it can seem like you’ve lost or wasted large amounts of time—a feeling that can possibly lead to infertility depression.

While managing infertility can lead to feelings of powerlessness, it’s important to make decisions that best support you. The following suggestions can help you care for yourself while navigating disappointment and grief.

Consider what feels best for you

Each journey with infertility and infertility depression is unique. The healing suggestions that work for you will likely be specific to your journey and the particular moment you’re in. Consider what advice may be helpful for you, and leave the rest behind.

It’s OK if what you need changes over time, in different situations, and across your life stages. What’s important is that you can identify what those potential supportive elements are and pursue them when you need them.

You get to choose how, or what, you communicate

People who haven’t experienced infertility or infertility depression may not understand what you’re going through. You may have thoughts like: “I’m completely alone in this” or “Nobody gets it—or gets me.” Your loved ones might not know exactly how to support you even when they want to help.

It might take time or be uncomfortable, but open and honest communication can help you get the support you want or need.

Suggested tips to consider:

• Tell your loved ones how you’re feeling and what they can do to support you. Examples: “I’m devastated. Can you distract me?” Or “The medical stuff was awful today. I need to cancel dinner and rest.” Or “I just need a hug.”
• Decline unhelpful or unsolicited advice. Example: “I’m maxed out on advice right now. Tell me what’s going on in your life!” Redirecting the conversation can help alleviate the pressure of unwanted guidance.
• If you’d rather not discuss the subject, come up with a short sentence or narrative that feels true and safe to share but that won’t give more detail than you want to disclose.

Opt out of situations that may be tough to handle

Certain events, such as baby showers or Mother’s Day lunches, can be painful when experiencing infertility depression. It’s entirely valid to feel this way, regardless of how much you care for mothers and pregnant people. You get to decide if and how you’d like to engage in these events.

Suggested tips to consider:

• Reflect on your current emotional state and mindset by asking, “How much distress am I in currently?” or “What actions will help me maintain a balance of self-care and nurture my relationships?
• If your distress level is too high, give yourself permission to opt out of the event. Consider other ways to honor and celebrate your loved one. For example, sending flowers or participating in a one-on-one activity can show your affection and support.

Find comfort in shared experiences

It’s common to temporarily feel invisible and alone when you think you’re the only one experiencing disappointment and loss. Connecting with others who have similar experiences with infertility depression may provide a sense of companionship and connection.

Suggested tips to consider:

• Reach out to those who have experienced infertility and can offer support. Example: “Could we talk about our experiences trying to get pregnant? It’d be nice to chat with someone who understands.”
• Seek support groups or online support spaces like discussion boards related to conception struggles. Interact in ways that feel most helpful for you at any given moment. For example, share your story, read about other people’s experiences, or seek and offer advice.

Accept your unique grieving process

The losses and struggles that can accompany infertility and infertility depression are unique to each person.

Suggested tips to consider:

• When you’ve experienced repeated disappointments, you may not be able to function at the same level as you would in a different emotional state. This is an understandable and common human response to distress and shouldn’t be interpreted as a personal limitation or weakness. With that in mind, offer yourself the same kind of kindness and understanding that you would to a friend going through a difficult time.
• Take time to process your grief. Grieving involves things like reflecting upon your losses, noticing how the loss is affecting you, and expressing your emotions in real time. You might try journaling, spending time in nature, or practicing mindfulness to help with this process.

It’s common to have complicated feelings about your body

Some women who struggle to conceive feel upset with their bodies for not  cooperating with their expectations. Developing a caring and appreciative stance toward other aspects of your body can support you through these feelings.

Suggested tips to consider:

• Every day, notice one thing your body is capable of doing for you. Then, thank your body for that ability. Example: “Thank you, body, for moving me through that workout.”
• Find ways to nurture and nourish yourself, like getting tucked into a cozy or weighted blanket, taking a long bath, applying soothing body lotion, or engaging in gentle stretches. This can be especially helpful when experiencing hormonal and physical changes that leave you feeling pain or fatigue.

You can move forward despite your disappointment

The desire to create life, raise children, and leave a legacy carries great meaning. It can be painful when that dream feels uncertain. You have the capacity to hold both joy and grief in the same body, at the same moment in time. You can choose to keep living with purpose by focusing on your health, your relationships, and making a positive impact on the world, regardless of what the future holds.

Suggested tips to consider:

• Invest in yourself. For example, try learning a new instrument to play, resume an old hobby, start meditating, develop a professional skill, explore new places, or participate in therapy.
• Invest in relationships that matter to you. Schedule date nights, host dinner parties, spend time with relatives, or connect with people who have diverse interests beyond raising children.
• Invest in the world. Volunteer at an animal shelter, garden, tutor others, pick up litter, or advocate for a meaningful cause.

As you consider which suggestions are helpful for you, remember that you’re courageous and resilient, no matter what decisions you make. Even when you may feel alone, remember that countless others are walking this path alongside you, ready to offer support and understanding.