Breaking Free From Perfectionism: A Practical Guide

Perfectionism can feel like a relentless pursuit of a goal that’s always out of reach. This constant striving for flawlessness can trap us in a cycle of fear, self-criticism, and unmet goals. By understanding the causes of perfectionism and how it affects your life, you can start to break free from its grip. Overcoming perfectionism is possible, and with the right support, you can find growth and fulfillment.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism happens when we push ourselves so hard to avoid mistakes that it ends up doing more harm than good. Think of situations where being error-free is critical, like building bridges or performing surgeries—precision is essential and can save lives. But when you focus on avoiding errors in everyday tasks, it’s less helpful. For example, imagine someone knows their boss values and supports them, but still spends hours agonizing over every word in an email. Or if a person on maternity leave can’t stop checking work emails despite being told to focus on their family. Their drive for perfection wastes time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

Signs of perfectionism

Being a perfectionist can make even simple tasks feel overwhelming. Signs of perfectionism include:

Unrealistic expectations

Setting the bar so high that nothing ever feels good enough, leaving everyone feeling inadequate.

Example: Repeatedly redoing a report because it never seems perfect, frustrating both you and your colleagues.

Obsessing over small mistakes

Fixating on minor errors, and letting them consume your thoughts.

Example: Replaying a slip of the tongue from a conversation and worrying that everyone noticed, even though it was only a minor issue.

Driven by fear

Perfectionism and anxiety often drive your actions, making you strive for error-free results.

Example: Over-preparing for a simple work task out of irrational fear of failing.

Imposter syndrome

Feeling like a fraud and fearing that others will discover you’re not as competent as they think.

Example: Working late into the night to perfect a project because you fear your team will find out you’re not as capable as they think.

All-or-nothing thinking

Viewing tasks as either perfect or complete failures, with no room for mistakes, is a common sign of perfectionism.

Example: Believing that anything less than an A on every assignment means you’ve failed the entire course.

Misaligned efforts

Putting in more effort than the rewards or incentives warrant.

Example: Taking a vacation but still checking work emails constantly, worried that your absence might be seen as slacking.

Difficulty delegating

Hesitating to delegate tasks because you doubt others can meet your high standards, which can fuel burnout. These symptoms of perfectionism often show up in managers.

Example: Taking on all parts of a group project because you don’t trust your teammates to do it right.

Procrastinating

Delaying tasks out of fear that they won’t be perfect, leading to missed deadlines and stress.

Example: Putting off writing a report because you’re afraid it won’t be flawless, causing a last-minute scramble.

Self-criticism

Focusing on your mistakes instead of your achievements, constantly seeking areas to improve.

Example: Ignoring positive feedback from a presentation and fixating on a minor detail you think you could’ve done better.

Inability to relax

Difficulty switching off from work or other tasks, even during downtime.

Example: Checking work emails during a family dinner because you can’t stop thinking about unfinished tasks.

What causes perfectionism?

So, where does perfectionism come from? Causes of perfectionism can stem from a mix of environmental and psychological factors, including:

• Unrealistic expectations from caregivers – Growing up with parents or caregivers who demand perfection—like insisting on straight A’s—can lead you to believe only flawlessness is acceptable.
• Fear of judgment – Worrying about criticism or disapproval can drive you to pursue perfection in every detail, fearing that even minor mistakes will lead to harsh judgment.
• Need for control – Experiencing chaotic or unpredictable environments may lead you to seek control and stability through perfectionism. 
• Tying self-worth to achievements – Linking your self-worth to your accomplishments can result in a relentless drive for success, often at the cost of your well-being.
• Inherited traits – Traits like high conscientiousness can also contribute to perfectionistic tendencies.
• Mental health links – Perfectionism is often associated with mental health disorders including anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and eating disorders.

How to stop being a perfectionist

Overcoming perfectionism begins with strategies like changing how you think, confronting your fears, and practicing mindfulness. And while there’s no clinical “perfectionism treatment,” mental health professionals can help you address the root causes and provide helpful tips on how to overcome perfectionism:

#1 Gradually revise unhealthy beliefs

Perfectionism often stems from beliefs like, “I’m not enough” or “I must be perfect to be safe.” The first step in dealing with perfectionism is identifying these core beliefs and gently shifting them. Think of these beliefs as rungs on a ladder. Instead of jumping from the bottom rung (“I am unsafe”) to the top (“I am perfectly safe”), focus on intermediate steps that feel more attainable.

Example: If you fear making a mistake at work will lead to severe consequences, instead of aiming for “I’m perfectly safe,” start with a belief like, “I have handled similar situations effectively before.”

#2 Confront your fears

Challenge your perfectionistic tendencies by putting yourself in situations where you typically struggle. This means facing discomfort and shifting your thinking.

Example: If you feel the need to respond to work emails immediately to avoid criticism, try waiting 30 minutes before replying to a non-urgent email. Remind yourself that the anxiety will pass and it’s OK to feel uneasy.

#3 Practice mindfulness

When anxiety or panic hits, mindfulness can help you manage intense emotions. Try these techniques:

• Practice slow, deep breathing to calm your nervous system.
• Tense and then release muscle groups to ease physical tension.
• Notice the sights, sounds, smells, and textures around you.
• Feel your feet on the ground and connect with the earth.
• Visualize a peaceful place, such as a beach or forest, to calm your mind.

Example: During stressful moments, take a few minutes to focus on your breathing, observe your thoughts without judgment, and gently return your attention to the present. 

#4 Set realistic and flexible goals

Being a perfectionist often involves extremely high standards, which can lead to disappointment and stress. Instead, set realistic, achievable goals that allow for flexibility. 

Example: Break large tasks into smaller, manageable steps, and adjust your goals as needed. 

#5 View mistakes as learning opportunities

Mistakes are a natural part of growth and learning. Instead of seeing them as failures, view them as opportunities to learn and improve. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend—acknowledge your efforts, recognize everyone has limitations, and be gentle with yourself when things don’t go as planned.

Example: Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and they don’t define your worth.

#6 Avoid comparisons

Constantly comparing yourself to others can fuel perfectionism. Remember, everyone’s journey is unique, and what you see on the surface doesn’t reflect the whole story. Focus on your own progress and growth rather than trying to measure up to others.

Example: If social media makes you envious, reflect on your own achievements and the progress you’ve made on your personal journey.

#7 Focus on the big picture

Perfectionists often get bogged down in details. Consider what truly matters in the long run. Is it more important to perfect every detail or to achieve your overall goals? 

Example: When cleaning your home, aim for a tidy and welcoming space instead of perfecting every corner, allowing you to focus on other tasks.

#8 Set boundaries 

Perfectionists can overcommit, trying to excel in all areas of life. Learn to set boundaries and prioritize what’s truly important. It’s OK to say no to additional tasks or commitments. Focusing on the big picture can direct your energy more effectively and go a long way in overcoming perfectionism.

Example: If a friend asks you to organize an event while you’re already juggling other responsibilities, it’s OK to decline and focus on your current commitments.

#9 Get support

Dealing with perfectionism can be tough on your own. Therapy for perfectionism can help you address underlying issues and develop healthier coping strategies. Support groups or friends who understand your struggles can also offer valuable perspective and encouragement.

Loosen perfectionism’s grip 

Releasing yourself from the fear and shame of perfectionism can open the door to meaningful growth. With self-compassion and the right support, you can find peace and well-being.